The Kraken's First Time
by pouncii
Summary: Now that he's finally 18, Pouncival gathers up the (liquid) courage to approach the lovely Bombalurina. [Human AU, crackfic.]


**Author's Note :** If you're easily offended by things like terrible sexual innuendo or breaking of the fourth wall, this is not for you. It's really stupid. I miss this fandom.

If you've read "How to Stop Your CATS Fanfics from Sucking so Hard," this human AU takes place two years later. If you haven't, then whatever. It doesn't matter.

Please note that 18 is the legal drinking age in England.

* * *

Two years later, Jenny's students graduated, and everyone was out to celebrate at their usual spot, Club Jellybean.

"Aww, yeah!" Tumblebrutus pumped a fist in the air and pushed his glasses up on his nose with the other hand. "Post-graduation celebration! Time to party and pick up chicks."

Pouncival glared, confused by his usually reserved friend's sudden outburst. "Time to what?"

Tumblebrutus frowned. "I'm excited, okay? We passed the class!"

"Are you even into girls?"

"Shut up." Tumblebrutus turned around to survey the line behind them. "Too bad we couldn't get the place reserved for our class only. Buncha weirdos out here."

"I'm just glad I'm finally 18 and can join you guys," Pouncival said.

Tumblebrutus blinked. "You don't have to be 18. I used to come here all the time to sit at the bar and read fanfics on my tablet."

"Wait, what?"

"Coricopat tends the bar. Since he's psychic, he just won't give you beer if he knows you're under 18."

"Wait… Coricopat's psychic?"

The boys were next in line, and Tumblebrutus held out his hand, beaming.

"Good evening, graduates," Munkustrap greeted. He stamped Tumblebrutus's hand, and the boy immediately headed for the bar.

Pouncival held out his hand. "What is this even for if you don't have to be 18?"

Munkustrap shrugged. "I actually have no idea," he replied, and stamped the boy's hand. "But it's fun, right?"

Pouncival looked down at the unicorn stamped in red ink on the back of his hand. "Whimsical," he muttered, and made his way toward the bar.

He took the seat next to Tumblebrutus, who was staring intently at Bombalurina, who was sitting at the opposite end of the bar.

"Check out that amazing rack," Tumblebrutus would have discreetly whispered had there not been music playing. But since they were in a club…

"CHECK OUT THAT AMAZING RACK!" he yelled, just as the music conveniently stopped, and Pouncival pulled the hood of his jacket down over his face, wanting to die.

"Oh, man. Now _that_ is a nice rack. They're huge!" Tumblebrutus continued.

"Stop talking."

"My mouth is literally watering. I gotta have some of that." Tumblebrutus made grabby hands. "Come to Papa."

Pouncival rammed his elbow sharply into his friend's side, causing him to cry out in pain.

"What was that for?!" Tumblebrutus demanded. "I'm hungry!"

Pouncival peeked out from the safe confines of his jacket to see Bombalurina enjoying a rather large rack of ribs.

"Oh," he said.

"Hey, guys," Coricopat greeted. "What can I get for you two?"

"You tell me," Pouncival said smugly. "You're the psychic."

Coricopat laughed. "I'm a physics major. Munkustrap misread my resume and now I have to guess how old everyone is because he stamps everyone's hand. Er, paw." He glanced down at his outstretched fingers in confirmation. "Yeah, hand. Sorry. Sometimes I forget we've been humanized by the author. Anyway, what can I get you?"

"Lager!" Tumblebrutus said confidently, flashing the unicorn stamp on the back of his paw. I mean hand.

He then proceeded to order a shameful amount of ribs, and Pouncival proceeded to stare at Bombalurina.

"Way out of your league," Tumblebrutus commented, and Coricopat set two pints of lager in front of them.

"Yeah, I know that," Pouncival growled. "She's perfect."

"She's also like 32, and dating Tugger."

"I _know_ that." Pouncival brought the glass to his lips and took a long drink. He decided he would rather die than admit that was his first taste of alcohol, or to admit that he was holding his breath so he didn't have to taste it. But he could still taste it, and it was just as awful as he had anticipated.

Tumblebrutus continued. "She'll never notice you, and Tugger would kick your ass if she did.  
You're half her height, and you're a huge dork—"

Pouncival slammed his empty glass on the bar and stood up, wiping the foam from his lips.

He felt a bit woozy, but confident. Well, maybe "confident" wasn't the right word, but he certainly didn't feel like a dork.

"I'm going to ask her out," he announced.

Tumblebrutus laughed. "Yeah, okay. You go right ahead. But don't come crying to me when-"

Pouncival grabbed Tumblebrutus's pint from his hand and staggered toward the other end of the bar.

He set the glass down in front of Bombalurina and leaned seductively against the counter, mainly because he was having trouble keeping his balance, but she didn't have to know that.

"Nice rack," he said.

"I know, right?" Bombalurina suggestively licked barbecue sauce from her finger. "Can't beat half-price ribs."

Pouncival smirked. "I'll tell you what you _can_ beat."

Bombalurina raised an eyebrow.

"Me at darts," he said. "I suck at darts. Probably. I've never played darts. This beer is for you." He slid the glass closer to her, making sure his unicorn stamp was visible, even though it didn't mean anything. "I'm Pouncival. But you can call me The Kraken."

He could hear Tumblebrutus and Coricopat cracking up in the background.

"Did you drink half of this?" Bombalurina asked, pointing at the glass.

"Oh, sorry." Pouncival picked up the glass and chugged the rest, setting it back down in front of her.  
He cocked his head in confusion. "What was I saying?"

A smile crept slowly across Bombalurina's face. "Cute," she purred. "Your boyfriend's cute, too."

Pouncival turned around to see Tumblebrutus's face absolutely covered in barbecue sauce.

"Him? I'm not… I mean, we're not… actually, now that you mention it, I think _he_ might be—"

"Who's this?" Tugger suddenly came up behind Bombalurina, sliding an arm across her shoulder, eyes shooting daggers at Pouncival.  
"I'm Rum Tum Tugger. You are…?"

"Gay," Pouncival blurted out.

Tugger nodded. "Cool, cool."

Bombalurina chuckled. "This is The Kraken. He's drunk."

"The Kraken, huh?" Tugger grinned, summoning two pints from Coricopat with a hand motion.

Pouncival screamed the F-word really loudly in his head. "Yep. That's what they call me. Because… well, you can guess why."  
He winked at Tugger, while at the same time wanting to drive a corkscrew through his skull.

Tugger laughed and handed him another pint. "That's one thing we have in common," he said, reciprocating the wink.

Pouncival began to chug his beer.

"So I was thinking..." Bombalurina leaned in close to Tugger, flirtatiously running a finger along his arm.  
"Maybe The Kraken can come home with us tonight."

Pouncival choked, spewing beer all over himself.

"He can help us test out the thing," Bombalurina said.

"Oh, yeah! The thing!" Tugger exclaimed.

Pouncival set down his empty glass. "What thing?"

Bombalurina motioned for him to come closer. He leaned in, and totally didn't look down her top or inhale her perfume.

"We bought this thing," she said quietly. "You sit in it and it's supposed to be a lot of fun. It seats three, but there're only two of us."

"What do you say?" Tugger asked, winking again. "Want to be our number three?"

* * *

By the time they arrived at Tugger's flat, the effects of the beer had worn off completely and Pouncival was starting to panic.

"You sit in it and it's supposed to be a lot of fun," was what Bombalurina had said about the thing that seats three, and Pouncival prayed to Heaviside that it was a tandem bicycle.

He had texted, "WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME" to Tumblebrutus, who had responded only with the peach emoji.  
Pouncival sent, "I ducking hate you" just as Tugger unlocked the door.

"Here it is," Tugger announced proudly. "The thing."

In the middle of their living room was a three-seater reclining sofa.

"Just like in the cinema!" Bombalurina said. "There are cup holders and everything."

Pouncival breathed a sigh of relief, although he wasn't entirely sure what kind of perverted contraption he had expected.

"I'll go get the _other_ thing from the bedroom," Tugger said with a grin, and disappeared into the hallway.

Pouncival screamed the F-word in his head again.

"So, The Kraken," Bombalurina began, reclining back in one of the seats, her skirt riding up dangerously high. "Are you a fan of musical theatre?"

The sudden question caught Pouncival off guard, but then he remembered. "Look, I'm a virgin, okay? And I'm not even—"

"Aww, how sweet!" Bombalurina cooed, just as Tugger returned with something in his hand. "Tugs, he's a virgin!"

"Nice," Tugger said, and held up what he had gone to retrieve. "Have you ever seen this before?"

Pouncival leaned in to get a closer look, and shook his head.

"I remember my first time," Tugger reminisced aloud. "You're going to love this. Trust me."

He opened the Cats DVD case with a snap.

"We're absolutely honored to take your musical theatre virginity," he said.

* * *

"Mmm…" Bombalurina moaned, and licked the warm liquid from her fingers. "So good. I need more."

"I… I can't…"

"Just try, The Kraken," Bombalurina purred. "Do it for me. More."

Tugger peeked suspiciously around the corner, watching as Pouncival tried to pour the last drops of melted butter onto Bombalurina's popcorn.  
"Hurry up!" He yelled.

"Mmm… yeah… c-coming!" Pouncival called out, scraping the butter from the bowl with a spatula.

"I'm pressing play!" Tugger warned, and the two soon joined him on the sofa.

"What's going on?" Pouncival asked. "The music is freaking me out, and so are those creepy eyes. Are those eyes?"

"Shh!"

~FIN~


End file.
